God some of my friends who try a conversation with you find it hard.
Really? They think it seems easy for you.
That’s because they’re not there when I’m trying to hear you. I’m pretty sure I find it JUST AS difficult for exactly the same reasons they do.
What makes it the hardest to hear me?
Doubt. I’m ALWAYS being taunted by him. Sometimes every line I write from you, he tries to convince me it’s not you. Sometimes it’s every WORD!! When it’s like that I have to ask you one word at a time if you really said that. It drives me mad some days.
So why do you do it? People think your desire for a conversation with me must be stronger??
No that’s wrong. My desire isn’t any stronger. I’m just desperate.
Because you told me things would happen that never seem to happen. So I come to you and DEMAND to know what’s going on. I’m constantly desperate for answers. I’m constantly asking you WHY ARE THE THINGS YOU PROMISED NOT HAPPENING?!?
And what happens?
You tell me they will happen. That I just have to wait.
Do you like it when I say that?
No I hate it. It makes things worse. You say it’s going to happen, so I wait, and it STILL it doesn’t happen.
So then what do you do?
Come back to you again and DEMAND once again to know what’s going on.
Some people think that might be a bit irreverent?
Well God to be honest I’m past caring. You made me think you’d promised some pretty amazing stuff and then it seems like I’ve misread you. It makes me distraught, I want answers, and besides the bible says it’s OK to demand to know what’s going on from you.
Really? How so??
David was always demanding to know why you hadn’t fulfilled your promises.
“I yell out to my God, I yell with all my might, I yell at the top of my lungs. He listens…
…I found myself in trouble and went looking for my Lord; my life was an open wound that wouldn’t heal. When friends said, “Everything will turn out all right,” I didn’t believe a word they said…
…Will the Lord walk off and leave us for good? Will he never smile again? Is his love worn threadbare? Has his salvation promise burned out? Has God forgotten his manners? Has he angrily stalked off and left us? “Just my luck,” I said. “The High God goes out of business just the moment I need him.” PSALM 77 MSG
And when you shout at me in desperation are my answers easy to hear?
No!! As I said, I have to struggle over every word sometimes. I ask you what’s going on, and then begin to write your answer, and then the enemy taunts me about every word. I hear you remind me of your promise and he screams in my ear that I’m just making it up. But you still keep saying you meant what you said.
Or worse I go to write your answer, but no words come.
What do you do if no words come?
I ask you what’s going on. I say “God is this silence you?”
And then I write your answer to that.
Is it any easier now than it was when you wrote the book?
Not always. But often yes. You say that’s because I practise all the time.
Why do you practise?
Because it’s addictive. One sort of desperation has been replaced by another. I used to be desperate for the things that had disappeared from my life, but the more I heard you talk about those things, the more I became desperate to hear you speak about anything at all. Just the sound of hearing you talk into my heart makes life worth living.
And DO I seem willing to speak to you about anything?? Religious people have suggested to you that I’m not really so interested in talking to you about the little things.
God you KNOW you talk about the little things.
How do you know that?
Because I tried it out.
Because I thought if God is prepared to talk this fluently, in whole sentences about the big stuff, then I wonder if he’d talk to me about something as dumb say as how to cook.
Why how to cook?
Well I needed to be able to. I was terrified my kids would hate being around me if I couldn’t cook. So I asked you how to cook.
And did I answer?
Yes. If I asked you questions, how much chilli, or what sort of pastry – you’d answer.
How did you know it was me?
I could feel it. Most people can tell when you’re around. It’s like that. When you speak to me about the little stuff, it feels like it does when people say they went to a church service and they could ‘feel the presence’. And anyway the meals you taught me to cook were SO MUCH BETTER.
So you’d be asking questions about each step of preparing a simple meal? Writing down every question – writing back my answers??
No. I tried that but it wasn’t very practical. You can’t keep typing or writing when your hands are covered in food mess.
So what did you do?
I had to try speaking my questions out loud to you, and speaking back your answers out loud. I would be like; “God shall I put chilli in this meat?” And you’d say yes. – “Ok God is this too much?” Yes. “This much?” A little less. “That much??” Yes. Then invariably I’d feel doubt and ask something like “God how do I know that this is you??” And you’d say it was.
So you speak your question and then speak the answer back in faith. Out loud?
Religious people have told you this can’t be me because it’s about every day stuff. They say that worry or anxiousness is driving you to ask me questions – they say that shows it can’t be me because I bring peace.
That’s just complete nonsense God. They need to read the bible. David says things like ‘the moment I cried out you stepped in’. He wasn’t crying out in praise, he was crying out in desperation. Paul came to you in desperation too.
Religious people told me I was just making it up, just ‘musing’ they put it. But I KNEW it was you. I could feel you so close when you spoke. And although I wanted to keep them happy, I found that when I wasn’t having a conversation with you life seemed so terribly empty.
So you didn’t practise hearing me to be good?
Not at all! I practised because life seemed so AWFUL if I wasn’t hearing you talk away about everything all the time.
Did you worry it might not be me?
All the time. The enemy is ALWAYS telling me it’s not you.
‘Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God really say? GEN 3:1 NIV
So what do you do?
I have to ask you again and again until I sense in my spirit that it’s you.
Is that frustrating?
Very. Listening to you is the most amazing, most rewarding, easiest, yet hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Believing for the things you say to believe for hurts. HOPE HURTS.
IF YOU HAVE TROUBLE THINKING IT'S YOUR OWN IMAGINATION WHEN YOU TRY TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH GOD - read the 'Practical Tips' section. How to have your own conversation with God in The Freedom Diaries. You can purchase your own copy of Mark Holloway's book, 'The Freedom Diaries - God Speaks Back' on this website.
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